Monday, April 25, 2011


Another rainy day...

Coming down from Easter weekend, I had no inclination to move quickly on anything today, really. As long as certain things got done that was all that mattered.

One thing I did not prioritize for today was getting into the presence of the Lord. Mainly, I fed myself with other things: food and a movie. Time was closing in toward the Bible Study I attend. Today was the first real day of my first ever inductive Bible study, but I just did not feel like going. It has been one of those days I just wanted be in a cave and talk to nobody. I had been content all day with the thoughts whirling in my brain... definitely in no place to want to talk to anyone or even smile for that matter.

Maybe I'll just send an e-mail to say I can't make it...

Among the billions of reasons why I love my dad, I am thankful he said something to me that I once thought aloud to him:

"Usually when you have the most struggle to go are the times God particularly wants to meet with you."

Of course I gave a lazy, joking response, but ended up going anyway.

Our inductive study is in the book of Malachi... not a very popular book nor one that any of us had really studied before. It's different, that is for sure... yet convicting, of course.

Arriving late, I walked in quietly during the worship music, wishing to be invisible. I felt the weight of so many lies being spoken into my mind as the music played. Something like, "always/easily replaceable," was the theme of these lies. Worthlessness.

(Sidenote confession: a line from a song I have listened to quite a bit recently has been repeating over and over again in my head & it is difficult to not believe it, though I know it is unhealthy and a lie. It goes, "I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no I won't let you...")

My insides nearly crumbled by the time I sat down at the table to start. I forced a smile and brushed through conversation at first. It was so hard even to look these women in the eyes because of the shame this mental war had produced.

But my, oh my. What healing water the Word of God is! Even an Old Testament text as foreign and dark as Malachi; the further we read, the deeper we studied, the more my soul came back to life.

Sigh. Why on earth do I deprive myself of His presence? When will I steady myself in consistency of reading His word and seeking Him first in every day? Nothing ever fills me like He does. My belief in self-sufficiency only wrings me out like wet dish rag being hung up to dry.

Everything about His presence changes everything about my day: my attitude, joy, even the expression on my face and body language; how I interact around people and the esteem I have for myself and others.

I need Thee, Lord. Every hour, I need Thee.
I was made for intimacy.

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