Argh.

The more humility this season asks of me, the more I recognize what a vicious monster pride can be.

Trying to start something over is the most painful, up-hill, internal battle I can think of... at least for me.
I used to be clueless about how training in anything made a difference. It all seemed to come so easily that I took my fitness for granted. Now that I have nearly lost it all I can recognize what I once had.

Am I the only one who has ever wanted something so bad that I don't want it at all?

I am not a perfectionist all around. However, there is one thing, maybe a few unsurfaced things, in life that I struggle to want to be any part of if I can't do it perfectly. Because I have gone backwards from where I once was, the moving forward to something different carries more appeal: less pain, less humility. There is no fighting involved, just adapting.

But, the war keeps raging. I keep wondering, is it simply that I don't want to or am I just embarrassed by my current state? is this really not a good fit for me or do I need to ask God for a change of heart?

Some of the best things I have done in life were things I was originally repulsed by... Sigh.

Lord, please grant me wisdom. I know you won't condemn me, but I want to do my best for you. Only you are worthy of my best. So if I am hoarding it all away to myself and becoming fruitless, change my heart. Sustain me, Father, I have casted my cares upon you.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.


Oof. I had been so riled up at all these thoughts earlier that I blasted and sang this song in the car- my favorite Paramore song. Haha, such an awesome way to release stress.




Also, check back to this post and read up on the thoughts going on in the comment section. Your participation is always encouraged!