The more humility this season asks of me, the more I recognize what a vicious monster pride can be.
Trying to start something over is the most painful, up-hill, internal battle I can think of... at least for me.
I used to be clueless about how training in anything made a difference. It all seemed to come so easily that I took my fitness for granted. Now that I have nearly lost it all I can recognize what I once had.
Am I the only one who has ever wanted something so bad that I don't want it at all?
I am not a perfectionist all around. However, there is one thing, maybe a few unsurfaced things, in life that I struggle to want to be any part of if I can't do it perfectly. Because I have gone backwards from where I once was, the moving forward to something different carries more appeal: less pain, less humility. There is no fighting involved, just adapting.
But, the war keeps raging. I keep wondering, is it simply that I don't want to or am I just embarrassed by my current state? is this really not a good fit for me or do I need to ask God for a change of heart?
Some of the best things I have done in life were things I was originally repulsed by... Sigh.
Lord, please grant me wisdom. I know you won't condemn me, but I want to do my best for you. Only you are worthy of my best. So if I am hoarding it all away to myself and becoming fruitless, change my heart. Sustain me, Father, I have casted my cares upon you.
In Jesus' Name,
Oof. I had been so riled up at all these thoughts earlier that I blasted and sang this song in the car- my favorite Paramore song. Haha, such an awesome way to release stress.
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