I never realized how long it has taken me to fully come back to who I am since coming down south 3 years ago...
Among other things, I am currently listening to the category "Jimmy Eat World Music" on Pandora.com... Jimmy Eat World, Sugarcult, Dashboard Confessional, and Snow Patrol have been playing some good 'ol love songs and ya know what? I am enjoying it. I feel like the music scene at Belmont can make me feel like I have to be some sophisticated music snob (no offense) when, in reality, I just want to listen to music because it's fun to listen (thanks to Chris for pointing that out to me over Spring Break). Granted, I like how much exposure I have received from being in the midst of people who are so knowledgeable, though sometimes even Belmont can have a consistent sound throughout different bands... I just want to be comfortable with what my taste in music is first. It has surprised me to see how self-conscious I get when other people are listening to my iTunes or my iPod is playing in the car. Obviously I am not going to keep myself stuck on one genre and one only cuz I enjoy pretty much every type of music so long as my mood will accept it.
Phew. Glad I got that out there. It's about time I said that "out loud."
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
The pulsation of my heart has been pumping harder lately; as though it has been bench pressing and someone just added a few more weights on.
I am tired of the things this world says.
Forgive me if I am about to be to blatant out loud, but maybe we have all just been much to PC to get up the nerves to say anything about it.
PRAISE GOD FOR GENDER DIFFERENCES.
I hope that raised a curious, questioning brow or two.
I am not out to offend or argue with the homosexual community if that's where your mind is leading you. Although I do not agree with that lifestyle I love that community more than people probably realize.
What I am trying to say is that I am so tired of the confusion and need for control between men and women. It's like someone erased the defining line between what makes me a woman and what makes a man, a man.
My heart longs to fully know what God was thinking when he designed Eve; why He decided on what characteristics to design her with and for what purpose He hoped (and still hopes) to fulfill through women.
But even above that, my heart has been tearing down the center for the men in my life and all the confusion and bombardment of lies they have to beat their way through in order to reach the surface and into the sunshine of God's design for their gender. I realize that I am incapable of understanding all of God's thoughts and purposes in things, but I am so certain that men were not created with such masculinity for the sake of outdoing one another in tolerance for ungodly things whether it be in thoughts, actions, or entertainment. Give me a man who wants nothing more than to yank the kingdom of heaven into earth through his goodness, servant's heart, wisdom, and courage to go against the grain of his peers or even his pride.
I could not care less how imperfect your (men's) life has been: His mercies are new EVERY morning and so should ours (women's or visa versa).
That's something that sent a slight jab into my heart this past weekend: a guest speaker came to my college service and he brought up the blessing that his wife was and was boasting about how she was a virgin at the time they married (and praise God for that!). Seriously, I am happy for him it's just that I could not help but wonder if those who could not boast virginity about their lives received any sting of guilt or were struck with the fact that they could not identify with keeping that gift until marriage.
As a virgin I dare say give me a godly man who has had an imperfect past and I will tell you I am beholding a miracle. For though he went astray, the Lord left ninety-nine to find him and bring him home again. My Father makes ALL things new. The old has gone; the new has come - and that is something to live by.
More than anything, I am sick and tired of being put into the box of women stereotypes. As a matter of fact, I would like to submit to you men; if I am going to take your job and be paid as well as you it better be because I am capable and qualified not because affirmative action says so. And NO I do not like to be bossy. As a woman, it is important to me to accomplish things that are important and will insist on getting it moving if the other party is not. Ultimately, I wish the other party at least gave input other than, "you make the call." Though this may be the case for some women, that does not give me some heavy duty power trip: it makes me tired. It wears me down because I was not meant to take on the world by myself. God made me to be a partner, a helper, a supporter and encourager. The greatest privilege on this earth for me would be to help one man accomplish the unimaginable quest that God has laid before him: a unique plan tailor made for one of His sons and I.
I realize that there are people out there who could read this and call me a hypocrite because I have not lived up to all of these things. But everyone can be called a hypocrite at some point in their lives so can we just move on?
As women, we have not made men's lives easy. We are indecisive, insecure control freaks who convince ourselves to believe that sweet talking and dressing in inappropriate ways will finally lure in the perfect man and seal the deal when really it welcomes all the wrong attention and encourages men to see us with perverted vision.
Don't look at me like that!
I am calling out to all the men: PLEASE!! Restore me! Tell me what I am supposed to be not what the world says I am. Step into God's definition of masculinity and if you don't know what that definition is then ask Him to tell you. Pray that I understand what God's definition of femininity is. How I can encourage you? Hold me accountable to walking (and talking) in truth and purity.
Personally, I really like how different men are from women and women from men. Together in our true light, we cover all grounds.
Please... let's do something different than this world has been teaching us.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews 12:1