The Reality of a Dreamer.

So I have been thinking about how I need to write a current day response to my last blog ever since... well, since I posted it!

Trying to wrap my head around how I think now has certainly revealed just how much life has changed me.
One could say my feet have left the ledge while simultaneously staying planted on solid ground.

It is not like I can pretend to have decades upon decades under my belt, but here is what I have found.

I answer the question, "What's your biggest dream?" in a very different way than I did 5 years ago.

Or maybe it is just that I answer this question with less loftiness and more sincerity. Hmm...

What has stayed the same?
My desire to impact the world- the entire world.
The call to ministry- to make Jesus Christ known through everything I am, say, and do.

I used to want to approach this through more direct means: singing, working in a church, etc. But as I shyly attempt to squirm my way into adulthood, I keep asking God for wisdom.
(How else could I survive this transition?)

Naturally, the Lord has delivered... cuz He always lives up to His promises! (James 1:5)
And of course, He goes straight for the things I always thought had nothing to do with me!
(Does that happen to you? I think God gets a kick out of it!)

For the longest time, I expected impacting the world for Jesus would mean traveling non-stop. There is no way I could consider meeting someone or starting a family anytime soon! HELLOOOO!

I am tryiiing to change the world here, people!!

2 things I have always put on a pedestal:
-World travel.
-Being a career woman.

But the World Race attempt, college graduation, and unemployment have all been tools God has used to sit me down.
And to stay.
Real still.
Then, when anxiety overcomes me it's like He picks me up and shakes it out of me- just what I need.
(Yeah, God & I have a really funny/strange relationship, it's great lol)

"Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud," (thank you, Cummings):

You ready for it?

If we want to make a TREMENDOUS impact on this world...
...it has to start in the home.

There is nothing more set apart, more impactful, more rich, than a family that:
-loves the Lord deeply.
-love each other deeply as a result.
-raise children with higher standards even if it seems uncool.
-remain faithful to one another.
-can love on their friends and community because of their unity.

THAT is something the world rarely sees. It is truly a diamond in the rough.



A natural response to this would be, "Good for you, Sarah, but in case you forgot: you're single! And when you're waiting on the Lord, you can't really do much about that!"

I object.

I think the biggest lie single people (men AND women) believe is that we have not yet arrived until we have found someone.
OR,
That our high impact, adventurous lives end once we have said, "I do."


Proverbs 31 describes a wife of noble character. Verse 12 says, "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
ALL the days of her life.
Not, after she marries him. Nor is it once they have started dating.

It is every day. All my life. Before God presents me with a bow on top and after.
There is PLENTY for me to do right now!
And it's gonna make the rest of my life a heck of a lot easier than if I cram it into post-marriage season.

I am not trading in my dreams of travel, music, and a career for this. It is just that the Lord has helped me configure things into their rightful place. Some things do not matter to me as much any more, while others have found a more balanced place on my priority list.

And it is not that I seek these things because of some distant vision I have of the man of my dreams.
It is for the First Love of my life - My Maker, My Husband (Is. 54:5).
He will still be first even when I find an earthly husband -then I can make 'em both happy! ;D


She seeks wisdom. She walks fearlessly. She is an investor & wise with her money. Trustworthy, joyful, and diligent. She is creative and virtuous.

All of these are things any woman- young or old- can do in any season of her life.

To be this kind of woman...
... that would be my biggest dream.

Woww...

Upon returning to my parents' house for "post-graduation transition time," I've been cleaning up my bedroom & came across an old narrative from high school composition class. This narrative is about 5 years old, but it is absolutely crazy to read back and see certain consistencies regarding my purpose. If you've somewhat kept up with my blogs, you'll see what I mean.

It's pretty funny to notice my juvenility in this, but I suppose I can accept it. lol

Here goes:


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It was a perfect night in March. School was manageable, life was social; everything seemed pretty relaxed after a grueling school year and I was soaking up a fun night.

I had just arrived to a bonfire after spending the evening at a luau when I saw Ben peering hard through the darkness. I hardly recognized him at first, but after he waved I went to meet him. I had previously invited him to come after the luau finished up and was slightly surprised that he actually came (he really didn't know many people).

The night was cold, yet everyone's spirit of happiness kept each other warm. A few of us marched down the dark path of the forest in search of nothing in particular except to enjoy each others' company. The ground began to crunch under our feet as we stepped upon the glowing white gravel. But, our journey fell apart fast and we headed back up to join everyone else at the fire. Our group quickly scattered leaving Ben and I at a quiet spot in the outskirts of the bonfire.

The simpler conversations from that night have long drifted from my memory. We asked each other many random questions, but there was only one that dug itself deep into my mind... it might have even seeped down to my heart.

"What's your biggest dream?" Ben asked me as he gazed up at the radiating clouds in the moonlight.

Unprepared to answer this question, my mouth stammered a few "uhs" and "ums" as my brain ran through the files to find my folder full of dreams. I hastily chose the dream in my mind that I had had almost my whole life.

"I want to be a Christian recording artist like Darlene Zscech because she's so real about her faith and doesn't change who she is for the media." I asked him the same question and soon after came the response that rekindled an old flame deep within my heart of hearts.

"I want to build a church in Colorado and have a summer camp there. I'm not really into the whole media thing so there wouldn't be TVs or anything. We'd live there with other couples and just live life more simply."

His usage of "we" rapidly jumped out to my attention. My mind started churning up questions to ask him for more clarity since "we" were simply friends, but I quickly shoved them away -- there were more important things on my mind.

As the rest of the night rolled on, the crisp, cold air began to pierce my coat. And yet the thoughts went reeling through my brain; relentlessly pressing on towards a resolved conclusion. There's no other dialogue I remember from that night except saying good-bye to everyone as we left for home.

Heading straight to my room, I plunged into my dresser drawers pulling out clothes and plopping them on my bed. Immediately after, I pulled open my closet and yanked the light bulb to life. The feeling in my heart was unbelievable! It was like my heart had sprouted wings and began to flutter through the air expressing its freedom from an anchor of selfishness. Finally, it hit me. My heart was at last convicted of this addiction I had been stuck on for so long.

I began disbursing my clothes, easily pulling out the items I knew I didn't need. The thought of someone in great need wearing these unnecessary clothes of mine overrode thoughts of selfishness battling inside my conscience. I was finally, honestly ready to try and live a simpler life.

After dumping my extra clothes into a laundry basket, I shut the door and bounced into my bed. I pulled out a sheet of paper and began doodling out the words in a bold title,
"What's your biggest dream?"
Unsorted questions and feelings zoomed through my head like cars speeding through the highway. My prayers spat out of my mouth for clarity and wisdom; when the last word came, my insides began to take in a deep breath.

The words streamed out of my pen as my paper came in contact with the ink. The wonderment in my mind was answered by the words on my paper. I dug deep into my heart, trying to figure out my heart's desire and what had changed since I had put material possessions in front of the things my Designer created me to treasure. I came to realize that having a recording contract isn't what I long for.

I don't need lights and I don't need fame.

I want to help people change for Good. I need to see the love of Christ enter others' hearts and soak into their lives as it has in mine. It's like I had been spending over fifteen hours a week at church investing in peoples' lives without even recognizing that I feed off of seeing the effects. Not my effects, of course, but of the One who uses my life for others. The one word to sum it all up finally smacked into the windshield of my brain.

Ministry.

"THAT'S IT!" My heart was screaming at my brain by this point and it finally seemed to get the message. That's it. All I want to do is see the glimmer in someone's eyes after continuously searching for something stable in their life. A job that doesn't seem too rewarding in annual salaries, but reaps so much more than man could ever sow.

How glorious it was to discover my purpose and know what to strive for in my life. This experience has turned all my natural thoughts around one hundred and eighty degrees. All in one night; because of one question:

"What is your biggest dream?"

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Hahaa :) So there it is. Stay tuned for part 2... a present day response?

FLAKE.

That's the name I keep calling myself inside.

Or so I think.

It is likely I am hearing that liar's attempt to condemn me.

But I am not condemned.
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

"Flake," has been running through my mind for several months.
So much has changed since December.
I signed up to go on The World Race.
Started raising support.
I'm not going anymore.

I signed up for the Every Nation School of Ministry.
Told everyone. Constantly.
It's even on the my University website.
I pulled out 2 days before the start.

So here I am now, sitting in my lazy-boy, writing a blog.

Why?
Why didn't I stick with at least ONE of these things??

I just couldn't.

Not because The World Race wouldn't have been an amazing, adventurous experience.
Not because the School of Ministry wouldn't have given me greater insight.

Only because I never had peace.

It's easy to fabricate confidence,
but you can't devise peace.

A couple blog posts down, I was proud enough to say, "As a matter of fact, I DO know what I'm doing after college!"

Oh, how pride comes before the fall.

That's really all I was after: having a post-college plan. The more exciting and adventurous sounding, the better.
It sounded so sacrificial to live out of a backpack for 11 months to tell 11 countries about Jesus being alive.
I tried to be propitiatory to God and my peers to take ministry training over a summer job or any job for that matter.

But, "obedience is better than sacrifice." (1 Sam. 15:22, NLT)

What IS more pleasing to the LORD? Sacrifice or obedience to His voice?

Obedience.

Obedience, obedience, obedience.

I kept asking the Lord, "What should I do? Where should I go? Whom should I work for?"

"Intimacy..." is His first request.

"Okay," I thought, "that must mean a mission trip... that must mean ministry school."

Silence. (Not peace.)

Not a mission trip. Not ministry school. Just intimacy.

I've been running from the mundane; too insecure to tell people I don't know what is coming next.
Too anxious to trust or wait on the Lord.

Why do we insist on asking each other for 5 year plans?
No one can possibly hold a blueprint of his or her life in their hands.

I know in part what I am made to do, but it cannot begin until I have laid more groundwork of deeper intimacy with God one-on-one. Structured organizations or weekly meetings can't keep feeding me. I'm a big girl now.

None of these things are bad-
some people are called to The World Race, others to ministry school.
Being in church every week is necessary for fellowship's sake.

But it cannot replace the unique love relationship I alone have with the world's Savior.

As He has already prepared good works for me to do, He also has to prepare me to be a good steward of my ministry- whether that is in literal ministry, a career, or my family.

He's so faithful. Faithful enough to chase me down & poke at my spirit until I realize I'm headed the wrong way.
Faithful enough to love and lead me to everything HE hopes and dreams for my life.
A dream that is exceedingly and abundantly more than I have ever asked for or imagined.


Singing this song is so refreshing to my spirit. It is an opportunity to testify and praise the Lord for all He is teaching me:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

~"Always Been Faithful," Sara Groves.


Praise the Lord, O my soul. All that is within me PRAISE His holy name. :)

"Though Chains Be of Gold, They Are Chains All The Same."

Well 2009, you have been quite the year.

This year has probably been the most the most difficult, humbling refining, and fulfilling year of my entire life.

Sigh.

When I say fulfilling, I do not actually mean I have been content or satisfied all year. In fact, there have been many seasons of discontent and constant hunger.

But somewhere, in all the failure, the searching and the discontent, I have been fulfilled because I sought. Everything I strived for was worth working toward even if I never saw it come to fruition like I thought it should. At least I put up a fight. And that fight has made me a stronger person whom I have never known before.

Yes, I grew up in a Christian home with godly parents, but...

I feel like I have finally started living this year.

My eyes have been opened to so many things, both good and bad. Many I have never had to face before but it has forced me to not just know my convictions, but to stand up on them in my actions as well.

Most significantly, God has begun to reveal just how significant we are as humans. He has given us an abundant source of magnificent power!! Yet there is such a scarcity of His followers that live life with this understanding on a daily basis! We have not truly lived! We do not fully know God if we do not know and see His power dominate our lives! YES, it will be tangible! Yes, it will change the way you live and every life you touch!

I feel like I've found a leak in a dam and the entire wall is about to break!

This discovery is so timely as I prepare to go on The World Race. Living in a tent for a year, on a mat, on $3 of food a day in poverty stricken countries where I am susceptible to all kinds of risky situations sounds illogical for a girl like me– the youngest child from a tight knit family living in a great neighborhood who likes her nice clothes and pretty accessories.

I have motivation to make something of myself... graduate school, entrepreneurship, and becoming a professor.

But I first have motivation to make something of myself: to be a woman of God (as He defines it), a servant, a life-changer; a sister, mother, and friend to those who live without. I want my hand to be the one an orphan holds. I want to embrace the prostitute who has forgotten her worth as she's sold every 30 minutes. I want them to know [they. are. loved.] because no one has ever told them so.

My wounds, healed by Christ, have made me strong enough to bring healing to those looking for the Healer.

My comfortable bed, nice clothes, and fine jewelry aren't worth keeping if it costs me the real life I was made for.

So here's to 2010: the year that dam finally breaks and God's power gushes out through my life. The year I joyfully walk away from the stuff I used to care about.

Though chains be of gold, they are chains all the same.

As a Matter of Fact, I DO Know What I'm Doing After College!

Many of you have heard about the calling God just recently placed in my life over the last couple weeks. In case you haven't, let me tell you now. I've just been accepted into the World Race July team with Adventures in Missions. Please read the press release about the January team below and ask God how you can walk alongside me in this next step of faith!

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GAINESVILLE, Ga., Nov. 23 -- Over 100 men and women ages 21-35, compelled by issues of social justice and simple living, are leaving the comfort of their homes and possessions in January of 2010 to travel 11 to countries in 11 months, sharing the hope of Jesus Christ as they go.

The group is called the World Race and was first conceived by Seth Barnes, founder and executive director of Adventures In Missions, in 2006. He designed a trip that would remove young people from their comfortable lifestyles for a year--to see the developing world and be transformed by what they saw. The first team consisted of 14 people. Since then, AIM has sent 92 teams consisting of over 630 men and women on 12 different trips around the world and visiting over 64 countries.

"While I am excited to observe a medley of people this next year throughout the world, I am more excited to love, serve, and care for the people that God will place in my life," says Hannah Vitkus of Nashville, Tennessee, who is looking forward to leaving in January. "Be it an orphan, a prostitute, the homeless, a college student or an older family--with your help, I am able to do this--to be the hands and feet, to go, to love, to serve."

"I expect to be ripped from my comfort zone on this trip. I expect to see Christ move in unimaginable ways. I expect to have the experience of a lifetime. I expect to never be the same," says Jesse Walsh of Birmingham, Alabama who is also leaving in January. "But most of all, I expect to not have my expectations met and in turn, be given something I could have never even known to expect."

Each World Race team relies on the hospitality and generosity of strangers--whether this means living in a tent in a farmer's field, staying in an urban shanty or enjoying the rare comfort of a warm bed. Through their experiences, World Racers learn to depend on each other. They also learn to care more and live with less. It's a journey of self-discovery and worldview--a chance to explore life in a whole new way.

"I'm leaving behind the woman I thought I have always wanted to be, to become the woman God intended me to be... which is someone I never had the guts to be," shares Michelle Euperio from Mesquite, Texas, who is also a part of the World Race in January 2010.

"Many people look at the World Race and get the wrong idea," says Barnes. "They think it's about young people seeing the world. The reality is that, while young people often sign up because of the adventures they know they'll have and the worldview that a year of global travel will give them, it's really an initiation experience. On the World Race you learn about what God is doing on the earth and how to join Him in it."

For more information on the World Race visit www.theworldrace.org.

World Race participants and staff are available for interviews and speaking engagements upon request.

Adventures In Missions (AIM) is an interdenominational missions organization that focuses on discipleship. They emphasize prayer and relationships in their work amongst the poor. Since being established in 1989, AIM has taken over 80,000 people into the mission field, some for as short as a week and others for as long as a year or longer. Through 14 bases around the world, AIM has year-round ministry to places where "the least of these" are found. AIM believes that by giving people the opportunity to hold orphans, bring hope to the hopeless, and pray for the sick, lives are transformed.


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Original Article can be found at ChristianNewsWire.

Such a good reminder :)

I just love how this puts everything into a clear perspective...

WHAT IS A MISSIONARY?

"As My Father hath sent Me, even so send I you." ~John 20:21

A missionary is one sent by Jesus Christ as He was sent by God. The great dominant note is not the needs of men, but the command of Jesus. The source of our inspiration in work for God is behind, not before. The tendency to-day is to put the inspiration ahead, to sweep everything in front of us and bring it all out to our conception of success. In the New Testament the inspiration is put behind us, the Lord Jesus. The ideal is to be true to Him, to carry out His enterprises.

Personal attachment to the Lord Jesus and His point of view is the one thing that must not be overlooked. In missionary enterprise the great danger is that God's call is effaced by the needs of the people until human sympathy absolutely overwhelms the meaning of being sent by Jesus. The needs are so enormous, the conditions so perplexing, that every power of mind falters and fails. We forget that the one great reason underneath all missionary enterprise is not first the elevation of the people, nor the education of the people, nor their needs; but first and foremost the command of Jesus Christ - "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations."

When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God.


(Taken from Oct. 26th reading of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest)

We are all missionaries. I don't care where you are, where you are going, or where you are not going, it is the love of Christ which compels us to tell all people of every nation and every generation that He is Lord of all. Each day is our chance to live out love, not just in deeds or service (though they have equal significance), but in words as well. It is easy to forget the magnitude of what we say to each other. Let us be wise, cautious and intentional with our speech because they set so many things in motion, whether Truth or lies. (Col. 3:16-17)

Above every cause and every need that is crying out to be met, the message and display of His love will cure all.

An Oldie but a Goodie.

I just love this song... God's been using it a lot lately to just remind me of exactly who He is and what He is capable of! Take some time to just read each line and think about how far His characteristics go.

"I Am" ~Mark Schultz

I am the maker of the Heavens
I am the bright and morning star
I am the breath of all Creation
Who always was
And is to come

I am the One who walked on water
I am the One who calmed the seas
I am the miracles and wonders
So come and see
And follow me
You will know

Chorus:
I am the fount of living water
The risen Son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am

I am the spirit deep inside you
I am the word upon your heart
I am the One who even knew you
Before your birth
Before you were

Chorus:

Before the Earth (I am)
The universe (I am)
In every heart (I am)
Oh, where you are (I am)
The Lord of love (I am)
The King of Kings (I am)
The Holy lamb (I am)
Above all things

Chorus:

Yes, I am almighty God your father
The risen son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am

The i Heart Revolution.

We need each other.

Watching that movie made me recognize what things need to happen in order for Christ to finally return and rebuild His kingdom on the earth. Missionaries, social entrepreneurs like me and advocates who promote natural human rights are going to usher our world into the return of Christ. If in fact we do end up with a worldwide currency that is so popularly predicted and already currently in the form of proposals by world leading countries, the economic condition of each individual nation must be leveled off equally to where it is economically possible to no longer have an exchange rate. For us to reach that level, we need to keep doing what we are doing: micro-financing and aid work to help bring people out of extreme poverty and disease. With the way our Christian culture is here in the U.S. it is easy to think about the “end times” and the return of Christ with negative connotation when in fact we should be anticipating it. Though it will be difficult at first, we know what the end result is and should be excited about the fact that our God is going to rebuild his kingdom on the earth He created so that it could be perfected and we can have life in eternity as we were meant to live.

We need to stop allowing ourselves to feel useless and worthless. It only keeps us from recognizing that I alone can accomplish a certain task given specifically to me by God. I have to put my own plans and goals aside in order to experience the purpose God had in mind for me since the day I was born. He did not have to give me these tasks. I am useless without Him. ALL I AM NOT, HE IS. [And I am nothing.]

I have to stop looking in the mirror and thinking that everything I am worth comes from the feautres I can see about myself- my skills, my looks, my possessions; my achievements. My value was nailed to a cross. My value was raised to life. I need to come to grips with the fact that He is what defines and solidifies my worth. If I keep searching for treasures on this earth or something to gratify my longings on this earth I will be chasing the wind for the rest of my life. It would also be a chase after the wind if I find my value in outdoing someone else in my successes. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:35). That’s what I want to push myself in. That’s what I need to push myself to compete against others in with all of my life and for the rest of my life. If I can’t love my sisters or my brothers, I cannot possibly love God. I can’t accomplish anything without others alongside me. I can’t keep living like I’m the only one that needs to save the world. It is not just my responsibility, or even the responsibility of my nation. It is the responsibility of every individual that calls themselves a follower of Christ. If we are called followers, why are we constantly trying to pave our own road instead of following the trail Christ has already left for us? Why is it that we are just now grasping His calling on our lives to meet the needs of people around us when it is constantly mentioned in the word? How much of his voice have we ignored?

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”
(Mother Teresa)

Lord, you’ve given us a mind, logic, hands, feet, and a voice so that we could be practical in our worship. Show us how to really live. Let your love transform us so deeply that we see our fellow man with your eyes. We have such universal needs and desires. We cannot pretend like we are separated by culture anymore.

When you sent your son to this earth, his desires were your same desires. He was willing. He said, "I will go for their sake. I will go for them!"

In a speech he gave in 1965 at the University of Cape Town in South Africa, then Senator Bobby Kennedy talked about how the world was changing, and said the following:
"Everywhere [that] new technology and communications bring men and nations closer together, the concerns of one inevitably become the concerns of all. And our new closeness is stripping away the false masks, the illusion of differences which is at the root of injustice and hate and war. Only earthbound man still clings to the dark and poisoning superstition that his world is bound by the nearest hill, his universe ends at river's shore, his common humanity is enclosed in the tight circle of those who share his town or his views and the color of his skin."
He went on to say to a group of students: "It is your job, the task of the young people in this world to strip the last remnants of that ancient cruel belief from the civilization of man."

We need each other. We need to love each other.

((fight for it.))

No Kidding, You Should Read This.

"The Christians should have continued this missionary work among all peoples. They would then have met worthwile hazards of physical hardships and social persecution. They would have been compelled to pray without ceasing a prayer of sincerity and importunity. As they traveled, educating the world, every day they would have received fresh strength from the King of their hearts and souls who takes especial care of his soldiers on the firing line and the outposts of his kingdom. True it is that many Christians did teach this way. Suppose thousands of spiritually and mentally strong teachers had continued the work and had persistently taught true Christianity, the best Greek science and philosophy, arts and crafts, the Dark Ages might never have come upon the Western world and civilization might now be advanced to a point beyond imagining.
The teachers who might have been went into monastic cells. They substituted contemplation for service...While they gazed into the skies searching for God, the barbarians stormed through..."

~Alber & Emily Vail, Transforming Light: The Living Heritage of World Religions

>>Punk Rock<< Did I say that out loud?

I never realized how long it has taken me to fully come back to who I am since coming down south 3 years ago...

Among other things, I am currently listening to the category "Jimmy Eat World Music" on Pandora.com... Jimmy Eat World, Sugarcult, Dashboard Confessional, and Snow Patrol have been playing some good 'ol love songs and ya know what? I am enjoying it. I feel like the music scene at Belmont can make me feel like I have to be some sophisticated music snob (no offense) when, in reality, I just want to listen to music because it's fun to listen (thanks to Chris for pointing that out to me over Spring Break). Granted, I like how much exposure I have received from being in the midst of people who are so knowledgeable, though sometimes even Belmont can have a consistent sound throughout different bands... I just want to be comfortable with what my taste in music is first. It has surprised me to see how self-conscious I get when other people are listening to my iTunes or my iPod is playing in the car. Obviously I am not going to keep myself stuck on one genre and one only cuz I enjoy pretty much every type of music so long as my mood will accept it.

Phew. Glad I got that out there. It's about time I said that "out loud."

Don't L00k At Me Like That.

The pulsation of my heart has been pumping harder lately; as though it has been bench pressing and someone just added a few more weights on.

I am tired of the things this world says.

Forgive me if I am about to be to blatant out loud, but maybe we have all just been much to PC to get up the nerves to say anything about it.

PRAISE GOD FOR GENDER DIFFERENCES.

I hope that raised a curious, questioning brow or two.

I am not out to offend or argue with the homosexual community if that's where your mind is leading you. Although I do not agree with that lifestyle I love that community more than people probably realize.

What I am trying to say is that I am so tired of the confusion and need for control between men and women. It's like someone erased the defining line between what makes me a woman and what makes a man, a man.

My heart longs to fully know what God was thinking when he designed Eve; why He decided on what characteristics to design her with and for what purpose He hoped (and still hopes) to fulfill through women.

But even above that, my heart has been tearing down the center for the men in my life and all the confusion and bombardment of lies they have to beat their way through in order to reach the surface and into the sunshine of God's design for their gender. I realize that I am incapable of understanding all of God's thoughts and purposes in things, but I am so certain that men were not created with such masculinity for the sake of outdoing one another in tolerance for ungodly things whether it be in thoughts, actions, or entertainment. Give me a man who wants nothing more than to yank the kingdom of heaven into earth through his goodness, servant's heart, wisdom, and courage to go against the grain of his peers or even his pride.

I could not care less how imperfect your (men's) life has been: His mercies are new EVERY morning and so should ours (women's or visa versa).
That's something that sent a slight jab into my heart this past weekend: a guest speaker came to my college service and he brought up the blessing that his wife was and was boasting about how she was a virgin at the time they married (and praise God for that!). Seriously, I am happy for him it's just that I could not help but wonder if those who could not boast virginity about their lives received any sting of guilt or were struck with the fact that they could not identify with keeping that gift until marriage.

As a virgin I dare say give me a godly man who has had an imperfect past and I will tell you I am beholding a miracle. For though he went astray, the Lord left ninety-nine to find him and bring him home again. My Father makes ALL things new. The old has gone; the new has come - and that is something to live by.

More than anything, I am sick and tired of being put into the box of women stereotypes. As a matter of fact, I would like to submit to you men; if I am going to take your job and be paid as well as you it better be because I am capable and qualified not because affirmative action says so. And NO I do not like to be bossy. As a woman, it is important to me to accomplish things that are important and will insist on getting it moving if the other party is not. Ultimately, I wish the other party at least gave input other than, "you make the call." Though this may be the case for some women, that does not give me some heavy duty power trip: it makes me tired. It wears me down because I was not meant to take on the world by myself. God made me to be a partner, a helper, a supporter and encourager. The greatest privilege on this earth for me would be to help one man accomplish the unimaginable quest that God has laid before him: a unique plan tailor made for one of His sons and I.

I realize that there are people out there who could read this and call me a hypocrite because I have not lived up to all of these things. But everyone can be called a hypocrite at some point in their lives so can we just move on?

As women, we have not made men's lives easy. We are indecisive, insecure control freaks who convince ourselves to believe that sweet talking and dressing in inappropriate ways will finally lure in the perfect man and seal the deal when really it welcomes all the wrong attention and encourages men to see us with perverted vision.

Don't look at me like that!

I am calling out to all the men: PLEASE!! Restore me! Tell me what I am supposed to be not what the world says I am. Step into God's definition of masculinity and if you don't know what that definition is then ask Him to tell you. Pray that I understand what God's definition of femininity is. How I can encourage you? Hold me accountable to walking (and talking) in truth and purity.

Personally, I really like how different men are from women and women from men. Together in our true light, we cover all grounds.

Please... let's do something different than this world has been teaching us.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews 12:1

Why I Love This Girl. :)

God has truly blessed my life with family and friends who have and continue to challenge me and push me to reach out for more and more of what the Lord wants to do through my life.

One of those people- a best friend and sister from childhood- is Sarah Barlow. God has used her to be a great example of faith in her everyday life. We had a wonderful conversation the other day about stepping out in faith, but doing so without keeping one hand in the situation. And then I came across this blog post of hers that I really want to pass along to all of you.

The power and capability we have is LIMITLESS through Christ Jesus our Lord!! We need to stop selling ourselves short!

How bad do you want it??
I've had some pretty amazing conversations this week, that for me is probably one of my most favorite things about life...long DEEP conversations about just everything! There's just something about it.
Yesterday, my incredible friend, Amy and I got together for lunch to catch up...after talking for awhile we realized that one of the things that BOTH of us were majorly dealing with was passivity... knowing exactly what we are supposed to do but just NOT wanting to do it!
I've come to realize that I have chosen where I am today...I could if I wanted to... have been a multi-millionaire with a huge business, giving millions into the gospel by now and saving kids over in Africa. It's truly been my choice... I feel like I've been putting out about 30% of my potential into what I undertake...which I've accomplished a lot so far... but...that's right there's been sooo many buts!



I spend the day on Facebook instead of getting what I need to do done. I watch that movie rather than working out. I go hang out with friends instead of spending time with God. And I go shopping instead of doing my taxes. Not that ANY of these are wrong..if you aren't doing these then there is something wrong there too...but it's doing these things mainly and the other things when I muster up the feeling to do it!
Really what I've realized is it's the flesh and right now it is MUCH stronger than my conscience... denying yourself things in fasting is a WONDERFUL way of putting that flesh under and rising above it! I've realized that the times that I've gotten THE most done is when I've lived a fasted lifestyle...one that doesn't constantly succumb to every whim that my flesh wants! It's saying no FIERCELY to those things for awhile and realizing how much time we are wasting just sitting around waiting for something amazing to happen! We are the amazing thing that is about to happen to this world but only if we get off our buts-butts and GET MOVING! I think we will be surprised in heaven when God shows us HOW MUCH we were able to accomplish compared to what we actually did because of us letting that flesh get in the way! As my desktop background says...THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR YOU!!! Let's PRESS IN! Not lean back!!

Posted by Sarah Barlow at 1:13 PM 6 comments
Labels: Thoughts
TUESDAY, MARCH 03, 2009

[.Insert Blog Title Here.]

I'm not sure what to write here.

So much has been invading my mind these last two weeks... a refreshing change to my thoughtlessness over the past few months.

I wish so many things right now...
But I know that all I really need is to trust in one Heavenly Father-
Who knows who I really am though I haven't always been true in front of other people,
Him who makes me worthy of something greater and beyond my faults though I don't deserve a second, third, fifty millionth chance at doing things right.

He is someone who loves me to no end even though my understanding of love has been tarnished by this world and I struggle to receive His affection.

I want to be free in the understanding that He is God and I am not.
I want to trust Him with all of me because He actually knows my days: past, present, and future.
As if I actually understand what he has laid out in front of me in the coming days/months/years...
Letting go of control makes me feel light as a feather,
Yet my hands are aching to clench something I long for.

If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

I have no direction for my life except that scripture above and this one below:

Let love and faithfulness never leave you.

God use me to pour into the beautiful people you have surrounded my life with... don't let me take time for granted for we are but a mist, here today gone tomorrow.
May I remain in your Spirit so that I might be a blessing to others.
I don't want to waste my life by witholding Your love in my life from other people.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

This Should Not Have Taken So Long!

At last, an update from my India Trip. For more, check out: india-oh-eight.blogspot.com



Oh man. I do not know how I will ever be able to communicate how much this trip has impacted me.
I would probably have to label it as the most meaningful trip I have ever taken.

And it was nothing like we had anticipated.

I think this trip was a very individual journey for each team member.
At this point I can only speak for myself, but hopefully everyone will have their stories up here too.

This journey was much more difficult and emotional than I prepared for.
For the first time I saw my late grandmother's entire ministry and even slept in her old bed located in the same room.
I finally grieved her death since she passed about 5 years ago.
But I got to see how alive her faith was and just how much its fruit exceeds a lifetime.

I met cousins, aunts, uncles, even my grand uncle and grand auntie... my grandmother's last brother and wife.
It was he, my tambi tatha, who exemplified the meaning of family to me.
He gave me so much love and affection it was unbelievable. I could barely hold my tears in when we said goodbye.



Don't let the picture fool you, he sat next to me and held my hand through pretty much the entire time my dad and I visited with them. :)

In short, I have been amazed to see how lasting of an impact this trip has made on my life. Even up to now, it is impossible to shake the images and experiences of India: the sights, smells, the people...

Although it was the hardest trip I have ever taken, I look back on it with the strongest degree of affection than the others.
God started and is still teaching me what it means to really pursue him. That nothing else, not even my own efforts can bring me any closer to God. I simply need to seek and rely on him alone. That is when fruit really starts to grow from my life.

I love you all. Thank you so much for your unconditional support, love and trust that all this would pull through.

Glory to God, He deserves all the credit...

Not THIS Introverted!

So...
I've been studying here since about 10 am.
Yesterday, I was here from about 9:30am-4:30 pm including a good lunch break w/ HP :) and then I went to my night class...
Tomorrow it starts all over again: 6:00 alarm, 7:30 class, online class/study.
I don't think I've seen my roommate for more than 5 minutes since the week started.

Sorry I just gotta let this out.

I like being independent... but this is a bit much.
I NEED PEOPLE!!!!!
Haha, this is complete proof that I am not a 100% introvert.
My friends, so many of them are here on campus doing the CA thing or whatever...
but if I don't stay focused on my work there's no way I'll keep up.
Thankfully, I've pretty much got the week's assignments over with for one class, just gotta keep up reading for the other and online discussion for the "other other" class.
Tonight's gonna be sooo good :)
Peoplepeoplepeoplepeople!
Can you tell I've been thinking a little much?

I'd be surprised if anyone's made it this far down, sorry this is so boring!

Another flight on Friday! Both exciting and stressful at the same time.
It'll be good, as always :)

I need to find something else to do...
Like sleeping. Or eating...
That'd be good :)

Wow this is a sad blog...

3 Weeks of Summer...

...hasn't quite been summer, but I'll take it. :)

It's been a whirlwind of juggling family time with some major projects that need to be tackled. I came home to this beautiful city and just started pouring my time into a mission trip to India that I am coordinating. PHEW! It's been so intense, but when the trip comes it'll all be SO WORTH it! I can't lie it's been stressful. Getting responses from people and decisions made can create such a road block for progress. Unfortunately the stress carried over into my family, especially my brother, and I wasn't being the best sister to be around. That Thursday night I had a breakdown, but thankfully my mentor was up baking a cake (I should thank her dog cuz he ate some of the first cake lol)! I tried to hold it in at first and then just let the tears loose and told her how horrible I felt for not being here for my brother and how things weren't holding steady with the mission trip and I was loosing grip on my confidence in Christ and how this is all going to turn out in good timing.
The best thing she said to me was this (yes, I wrote it down):

"It may be a worry to you, but it's not to God. He's got it all figured out,
He has got it all figured out."


Ah...love it. :)

God's been pushing to get the focus right again. The business details of the trip need to get done, but ultimately, the trip is centered around Him. If I am not walking with Him, then everything I've been doing is meaningless.

Since the focus is being fixed, the load has lightened. Things are falling into place and people are extending their hands to help me carry the load.

This week, I've had the chance to catch up with some old friends and spend more time with my family. :) And my sister flies in tomorrow!!!!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!! It's nice to breathe a little, but the work doesn't stop! Haha, I had to start my sociology assignments today... yay for summer semester?

Regardless, I can't lie, it's exciting to still anticipate another flight and a summer with some of the greatest people on earth...
I can feel a new chapter beginning!
AHH!!!

A Woman-When Loved Well-Blossoms.

It's only for the weak
For the faint of heart
Those driven to their knees
Those who live with scars
There's power from beyond
We're certain where it's from
And that's our source of strength
Before we follow Christ
We need to be advised
It's only for the weak

Wow, Sophomore year has come to an end. This year has been a 180 degree change from the year before! Everything that wasn't good enough, all my worries, scars, shame, insecurities: gone. I can't even begin to tell in detail about the areas of weakness in my life that Christ has filled.

It is truly a miracle.

But two weeks before the school year started I was fearful of going back. I wasn't sure I was ready to face the things I left behind-afraid that I had lost friends, my "status" (as if that matters!), my security. Fact of the matter is, if I were able to see into the future, I would have been running & jumping with anticipation for this year to hurry up and start!

Best year ever? Perhaps. :)

By human standards, I probably didn't live up to the definition of the "best year ever". I almost failed Integrated Accounting, a 6 hour credit course that sunk my GPA into the dirt, and had a breakdown out of frustration because I had no clue whether my major was really something I should continue studying. Frat parties and formals that I was once invited to slowly drifted from my immediate friendships. I backed out of a sorority full of amazing girls who enthusiastically gave me a bid. Stomach flu hit me for the first time in my life. I discovered I wouldn't be able to see my wonderful family for more than one period of 3 weeks within 2008. And by spring time, couples have come out in full bloom and so are engagement rings.

So let go, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

It really was a beautiful thing. :)
Amidst these imperfections of my life story, I have learned what it means to really learn. Though my GPA is important, it doesn't define me or my ability to succeed. God has led me to step out in faith to pursue a degree in Social Entrepreneurship and I have never been so fired up to take on different courses even though it costs me some time in summer school.
I have been so lovingly reminded that my "status" of importance and worth isn't in joining a greek organization or mingling with frat boys, but it is in the people I pour life into wherever I am. The unsettling feeling in my heart when I initially took the bid from Alpha Sigma Tau was such a sign that there were other relationships and events I needed to spend my time on, like volunteering at Nashville CARES and growing so much closer to Rachel & Aslan.
Even though sickness comes, there is healing. Mine came within a day-it was a humbling 24 hours in which I discovered 3 friends who still loved me in that state. Though distance separates me from family, my love for them has overtaken my heart as a result. The blessing of a mentorship and a big, warm embrace from her family has also been a great comfort to rest in.
As far as singleness goes, I have thoroughly embraced it. I LOVE my life and the honest satisfaction there is in living everyday with Christ by my side. In "ooh-ing" and "ahh-ing" diamond adorned hands, listening to proposal stories, and saying "Congratulations," I am by no means envious or disappointed by my own state. To be single is a luxury that many forego or blindly rush through.

And I've found myself in You...

Because He loves me...and because I let Him love me, my life has grown in full bloom-He has loved me well. :)



What a triumphant year!

Social Work Makes Me MAD.

Not the class, but what we study in it.

I have my final tomorrow morning so I have been doing a basic overview of the chapters; this stuff makes me squirm in my chair every time I read it.

So many people are uninsured, CHILDREN are the highest population living in poverty....
High schoolers have to deal with violence, teen pregnancy, STDs, dropping out, etc.

In the city of Nashville alone, there is a 60%-70% high school graduation rate.
ONLY 60%-70%!
That's ridiculous!
These kids need to at least get their GED to get anywhere in the least bit, but obviously they are not even motivated to make it that far.

Why are African Americans 27 times more likely to go to jail for the same crime a white man commits? WHY?!

Out of everything I have studied today, the poverty threshold, its creation and current status is the thing that rubs me the worst way. Here is an excerpt of what is in my notes:

The Poverty Threshold was created by taking the 1955 cost of a minimum adequate diet for families of different sizes and multiplying the cost by three to allow for other expenses (the diet used was the Economy Food Plan, the cheapest of four food plans issued by the U.S. Department of Agriculture).
It has never been updated to account for changing household consumption patterns.
(getting angrier...)
The cost of child care was NOT figured into the official guidelines because the typical family in the 1950s had one wage earner and a stay-at-home mother.
(Aughh...)
The guidelines do not recognize geographic differences even though the cost of food, clothing and housing VARIES from state to state and within states. Also, the poverty measure does not take into account differences between urban areas (where housing costs tend to be higher) and rural areas (where transportation costs are higher).

There are NO economic calculations made for anyone in this country that is living in poverty. I'm sorry but this just pisses me off. I mean, come on! We all know the cost of living is different in Birmingham, Alabama than it is in San Diego, California! How do they expect people to make it? Obviously, whoever made this whole thing doesn't actually care that there are real people out there barely getting by every single day.
Thinking about this brings me back to my volunteer work at the HIV/AIDS Center. Some of the paper work I had to file contained each client's monthly income. It was insane to see the digits vary from completely nothing to near $30,000. It's unfortunate that money has so much to do with the well-being of someone's health or general success in life... even if they are hit with the same tragedy.
I don't even know where to start or what it would take to create change. It is so easy to come across people here that are homeless and come around begging for money or help getting medicine or a ride, etc. But as a female, I am extra cautious and it cramps my ability to be generous. On top of that, I want better for them than to just give them a bit of cash. I feel like doing volunteer work is the only effective way to get them provisions they need.

Sigh. When are people going to wake up and realize that it is so much better to put more money toward preventative care than to clean up all the damage after someone's life has been ruined by a poor education (if any), poverty, disease, and/or crime??

Still squirming...

{.Restorative Justice.}~|FRECKLES|

These past few days have been absolutely amazing!! Aside from the weather getting better, life has just been awesome amidst the stress of ending another school year.



But anyway, I went to the graduation ceremony for my friend's sociology class called Restorative Justice. This class is made up of about 10 university students and about 10 men who are in the transition stage between serving time and going on parole.

It was life changing.

The warmth in that room was stunning! I could not wipe the smile off my face from the time I walked into the classroom until we got our licenses back that night.

I've never experienced such beauty in a jail...it is so difficult to put into words.

The joy on each man's face as he greeted his family and friends.
Tears that were shed as a heart of repentance verbally expressed his transformation.
Hugs and cheers.
To see a guilty man go free because his debt is now paid, is that not the vision God had intended for us as a community of people?

They are capable of repentance.
They are capable of reform.
They were made to be forgiven.
To have a second chance at life.

I was completely taken aback when I found out what some of these men were convicted of.
Surely that man did not commit murder!
The glimmer of joy in his eyes and wide smile on his face suggested the opposite of his life.

Oh how things change when a man is given the opportunity to hope, be embraced regardless of his past; to know that he has a second chance and it is a chance to succeed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{.Beauty.}

I wondered if I could trade my body with somebody else in magazines
With the whole world full at my feet
I phantom worthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see
When the mirror looked at me
Sometimes I feel like the little girl who doesn’t belong in her own world
But I'm getting better
And I'm reminding myself

...Why waste a second not loving who you are?
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable,
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are
(bedingfield)

This song has been such an encouragement to me tonight.
This is probably the 20th time I'm listening to it. :)
It's not that I am the least bit lonely.
I just don't feel good enough.
I am that girl that is always put on hold just in case the prettier, funnier one doesn't work out.

The further I get into college and get stuck dealing with the constant pressure to find someone the more unappealing it becomes...
guys seem more like flakes,
expecting me to give them attention without pursuing me,
or when I do my part to generate a friendship they don't do their part or freak out!
It's like everyone is struck with paranoia:
when all I want are genuine friendships before any sort of romance, I get struck with the f-word.
"blah blah blah, friend."
In the way that comes off like they are so paranoid that I want more from them that very second.

Does it seem like I am contradicting myself?
I am just SO SICK of thinking about a possible relationship or about where this or that could be leading to.
I just want to be me-
to be loved for being the weird, nerdy, NOT funny, happy, people-loving person that I am confident God is molding me to be.

I am exhausted from feeling like I have to be someone else to be accepted.
The guy[s?] I feel the most real with could care less about really loving me.
Why am I never good enough?
Will I ever be?

I know I am enough in Christ.
He is more than enough for me.
But in my relationships, romantic or not,
I am just never enough.
This world holds a different standard to me
and I don't match up.
Nothing in this world ever feels like enough for me either.

This is an ongoing cycle of dissatisfaction.
Relationships that have nothing to do with romance and high maintenance are usually the most effective ones I have ever experienced.

Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable...reflecting who you are.

Maybe someday someone will say that to me.
Regardless, I will one day rest in the midst of heavenly treasures stored up in my lifetime.
Whether human appreciation comes my way or not.

So Ridiculous...

I find it pitiful to believe that THIS is what we put our hope in...

Yesterday, I was volunteering at an HIV/AIDS Social Services Center and one of the things they needed me to do was put together Safer Sex Kits. I had done this once before and never thought twice about it, my mind was too busy analyzing the fact that I was handling more condoms and lubes than I had ever seen in my entire life! But this time the guilt seeped into my heart as I was making them...I just wanted to stop and wash my hands (both literally and figuratively speaking). I don't want people to have sex outside of the context that God created it for!
To many, it seems like a childish thing to be sad about. I can't even estimate how many of those I made, but every time I tossed a finished one into a box I couldn't help but hurt for that person who is going to pick it up at the club it's distributed to and use it. I know that not taking part of it won't necessarily promote abstinence, but it just might for a few people.

I need to go wash my hands again...

A Life of Service

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy

I woke and saw that life was service

I acted and behold, service was joy"

-Rabindranath Tagore


That little poem was written by the same man, Rabindranath Tagore that wrote India's national anthem. :)
I love how everything I have been researching today has somehow tied into my life.
It's amazing how one day a person can be so far from God and the next so close.
All because he came clean before his Maker.
That's how my past 2 days have been!

I am so obsessed with this new career path God is leading me on it's amazing!! Social Entrepreneurship just sets my heart on fire with excitement. :)

A perfect example of Social Entrepreneurship is TOMS Shoes. If you haven't heard of them yet, you need to check it out right now! And if you already know of them, you should read up on the company some more :) I am absolutely in love with it- the concept is so simple yet makes a GRAND effect on our world!

"I'm addicted to you, don't you know that your toxic?"

“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”
- Jack Handy


IT'S SPRING BREAK!!! At last.

As you can probably tell bogging has taken a back seat these last 2 weeks. I've made a home in Starbuck's and one of the Student Centers in town: studying my time away. But it's definitely paid off cuz I'm pretty sure I did well on these tests and such I've been having!

Anywho, onto the deep stuff lol:

I feel like my whole life has suddenly changed!

One minute I'm going thru the normal process of being indecisive about Music Business and the next I found myself stepping out in faith and growing up more than I thought I would at this point.

The realization finally hit me last night that I won't be home much for the rest of the calendar year...

Haha, not gonna lie, it's really hard to think this hard right now cuz I am officially on Spring Break!!

Here's the point:
I'm changing my major.
((And I'm VERY excited!!! It finally makes sense!!))
Also, I'm staying down south for the summer to catch up.
Most of my closest friends are staying this summer-it's gonna be AMAZING!!!!!

So yeah, that's it! I'm going to end this blog w/ my recent YouTube addiction:


Haha, this video makes me happy. :)

{{.Exceeding Expectations.}}

You remind me...
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me


Man. Life is good.
I have the tendency to forget to write blogs when I'm happy cuz I just keep going with life.
But these are the times that are most important to record!

What a year. :)

I am very aware that my life isn't perfect,
but it is so undeniably covered in grace, love, and blessings!
Every time I stop questioning God about what's next
or how I should handle situations-
It all simply comes together!

Suddenly, opportunities and decisions fall right into my lap,
progress takes place without my even knowing,
and then I hesitate cuz I just can't believe that it's right there and green lights are flashing around me!

Ah, the beauty of surrender.

I feel sorry for people who think that Christianity is a list of do's and don'ts!
They're missing out on the DEFINITION of freedom!

Gosh, I am so excited about all the things God's been speaking into my life!
The year to come is going to be such a journey!!

Family Business, Jack Johnson, and Everything Awesome In Between!

AT LAST!!!!!
For those of you that don't know, my brother, sister and I have been working at starting a photography business together. Weddings, Fashion, Headshots, Bands, Marketing...ya know, for all that fun stuff in life!
Well, my sister just sent me the link to the blog and it's great!



I have to say, my gratitude for my brother and sister has risen at the sight of that blog. Seeing something online for it is making me realize just how real it is... they have put way more work into the company than I even realized since I'm here in my little college world just trying to get to graduation and shooting for ministries before really invest my time into this business.
But it's SO exciting! So check it out! My brother's the one who's been shooting everything that's on the blog right now (I'll be adding some VERY soon!) but there will be more to come!!

ALSO...


I had to write a paper for class with the topic "Technology and its impact on...[fill in the blank]" and had a lightbulb moment when I thought of the recent CD I had bought, Jack Johnson's Sleep Through The Static, and how the album was recorded using 100% solar energy.

So I checked out his website and it is AMAZING what Jack Johnson and his crew are doing to minimize waste! (Yes, I am an environmentalist in the making) But this other organization: One Percent for the Planet is SO cool. :) They basically just work with businesses to donate 1% toward a cause that FTP is partnered with. I looked at the website and without hesitation thought "I would love to work with these guys!" I don't know why, it just seemed intriguing. :)

Enjoy surfing these sites! :-D

I Can't Keep Waiting to Live[!]

I just can't do homework right now. Though I've been pushing myself from the moment I woke up entertaining the idea of skipping my 8am class, I managed to convince myself to move. Class is important. Do what it takes to keep an A. But I've had the urge to write a blog since yesterday evening.

Gahh.

My spirit is starving right now.
STARVING.
Alright now, no breakdowns in the Beaman are allowed. :)


Lord, with You, there's nothing I cannot do.
My hands, my feet, my everything.
My life, my love: Lord use me.
I wanna set the world on fire.


There isn't one specific thing to pinpoint the ache in my heart
...it's a bunch of things linked to one another.

But there are some song lyrics that seem to encompass my heart as a whole right now:
"I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same.
Though the call is hard, You are worth it all."


Big sacrifices call for big changes.
I gave Him a big part of my heart.
Now I can't go back.
I know I don't want to, but it's hard to stay consistent in this surrender.


Fill us up and send us out, Lord.
We must go!
Live to feed the hungry,
stand beside the broken,
we must go.
Stepping forward,
keep us from just singing.
Move us into action-
we MUST go.

I must go...
College is getting harder and I don't just mean it's more academically challenging.
Sometimes I just want to burst from waiting on everything all the time-
from trying to fulfill the demands of a standard that doesn't even last for eternity.
Adrenaline has been crashing inside me like waves in a tumble.
When will the word 'adventure' finally be the label on my life?

There is so much to be praying about, but time stops for no one.
Trying to be type A sucks for someone who's so type B.
Or maybe this is a change I'm supposed to undergo.
If only classes really could be given up for lent.


Red letter day, I'm in a blue mood. Wishing that blue would just carry me away...But surely something has got to, got to, got to give cuz I can't keep waiting to live!


I have got to get out of this apathy.
It's hard when college is designed to be so specific to each individual.
Everyone's here to specialize in what they are good at, to go out and do something for their future.
Where does the balance come between self and others?
All these challenges seem to recur constantly.
I'll probably be dealing with the same stupid sin and struggles for the rest of my life.

But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.

That is all I rest in.

>>Severance. Brown Skin and Straddling.<<

There's so much rolling through my head right now, I don't know what to write! Augh. Frustration...

There's too many things I haven't done yet. There's too many sunsets I haven't seen.

Life is certainly an adventure, that's for sure.
But even as I'm writing this, it's frustrating me because I feel self-centered just for writing a blog.
I just have to process and this is one way that I do.
The letter I is filling up this page real fast.

God has brought my heart to such a place of surrender and blessings but with that, of course, comes so much war.
Everyday, Lord.
Everyday, I have to surrender.

It's frustrating because as much as I surrender things, they aren't fully detached from me. I still care.
I don't even want to care anymore.
Contempt towards the things I hold on to seems like the solution to make a clean cut--no pain involved.
I would be enveloped in a greater level of freedom if I didn't care.
But this is how you made me, Lord.
I am fighting my very nature.

May the vision of you be the death of me

My heart has been praying to God for a solution, for a way out, something to help re-focus. Then I went online and found this waiting for me:

“However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"
-1 Corinthians 2:9

:)
Dang.
What a promise!
Nobody can conceive what He has prepared for those of us that love Him.

Lately, I've really been struggling with my ability to connect with others at a cultural level.
This is such a personal thing to be posting online, but there's not really anyone here that would quite get it.
So I'm just gonna type it to get it out of my system.

I have been born and raised into Middle-Class White America.
But I am not white.
Nor am I solely American.
I am also Indian.
But I am not just Indian.
I am also Filipino.
A first generation immigrant.
A minority.

It is so much easier to pencil in the bubble of ASIAN/PACIFIC ISLANDER on suveys, official exams, and whatnot.
That hardly scratches the surface of who I am and where generations before me come from.

No one really understands except my family.
I am certain that is a lot of why I treasure them more than anyone.
And I LOVE my roots. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Ever.

But now that I am older, I am realizing that I am not the same as my white friends or my black friends.
I feel so unidentifiable at times.
Even now I feel afraid to completely be my true self...
More than anything, I feel like I lack the freedom to be naturally goofy or silly with people.
As if my humor is acted out in a different way than what everyone else would understand.

I hate how serious I am much of the time.
Laughter brings such a connection among people.
There is nothing like laughing 'til my stomach hurts.
But I am not sure people would actually laugh that hard with me.
I'm not sure I would laugh that hard with them...

And the whole 'significant other' thing?
Gosh, I'm afraid.
It's hard to grasp the idea of being able to really laugh/talk and be myself 100% with someone outside my culture group the way I laugh with my family.
But I want to see that connection made!
Somehow.

Coming back to the fact that we are all created in God's image and are all made for the same purpose always gives me rest.
Though I doubt God brought culture into the world to be ignored.
So I'm trying to figure it out, God.
I am an Indian-Filipino-American.
Whatever that means...

...that means, with the unique things You have put into my life, they will come together to be used for your glory.

I already see that, without my background, I doubt I'd be so in love with different cultures the way I am.

So, I think I have the spiritual side of it down and all, but Father, give me understanding at a cultural level.
Please.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen.

To Be a Lover of Music.

(This is from Monday 1/28, it just never posted...)




Sitting in the curb cafe as I type this, my ears are gulping down with eagerness the sounds of my friend Brandon's acoustic guitar and crisp, clear voice blending through the air. I can hardly type. Everything in me wants to stop and sit in midst of such beautiful sound.

But I just had a conversation with a friend about such music and felt like I should write while my wheels are turning. Okay, wait, I am going to stop til this song is over...

So I was talking to a friend about how just recently our passion for music, our drive to play or sing music has come back after being dormant for a couple years. And... well, here goes:

To be a lover, a true lover of music is to feel sound through your veins. To know the beauty of every note's intricacy. To be a lover is to be moved physically, internally, mentally, until nothing else invades you except the sound of chord progressions, harmonies, crescendos and decrescendos.

As I'm displaying these thoughts my friends right next to me are clapping, jumping up and down and shouting in response to Robert Kelly singing a song in Swahili on stage.

Oh how this makes me smile. :)

There have been a few incidences where my friend and I felt like maybe we should do something else with our lives...but deep down, we know we could never leave it.

That passion can be covered up by some things, but it fights its way out again the minute those strings are strummed or that voice rings out.

Because when you love music, the sound doesn't just go through your ears. It penetrates even your finger tips and flows through sugar in your bloodstream.

Lover of music, don't grow unfaithful.

Addiction?!

I never thought I would fall this hard.
It was something I always sought after, but now...
...now it's real.

It's like, even though my desire has been to fall into complete surrender, I never grasped what it must be like.

And suddenly, I feel like I'm there.
I've hit this new place of surrender in my life and it's...WOW!
So this is what it feels like when a heart is set ablaze.

I'm not trying to sound all cocky and super-Christian-ish.
But, seriously guys, let's cut the crap.

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE WORTH BOASTING ABOUT EXCEPT THAT WHICH CHRIST HAS FIXED IN US!

I feel out of my mind right now! Even reading what I'm writing is just strange.

This is a very strange addiction, but I like it. :)

---Bait---

The kind of bait you put out determines the type of fish you catch.

It's easy to want attention.
As a woman, it is even easier to find ways of gaining that attention.

But what is it worth in the end?
That gain is neither lasting nor fulfilling.

No guy is going to look at a girl's body and think "Man, I would love to learn about her character and interests."

It breaks my heart to see women throw away their desire to be a lady because they need security in a male now. He pursues her, he wins, no matter his integrity. If she even waits to let him pursue her.

My desire is for a partner. A team.
An outlook that respects, honors, and complements the other's strengths and weaknesses.
Our heart is for the Lord and His kingdom.
We wouldn't be in it just to get what we want from each other.

I know that is God's hope for all of us too.
It's not like these convictions were my idea!

But if I am to boast in anything, let me boast about the beauty my Lord has painted in my life.
His gentle, colorful brush strokes have covered every bit of tarnish and rust.
My Love has filled the holes of brokenness with satisfaction and joy.
I am no longer scrap metal.
Of that, I am certain.

The Basics.

Man it's been hard to think straight lately! I feel like my social skills are on the decline because I'm standing between two worlds right now. Even though I've been at school for almost a week now, I still feel like my half intraverted self is in home mode when instead I want to be all perked and ready to receive conversation with people as I go through my activities and classes each day.

So much has been poured into my mind this week. I'll try my best to think through each one equally, tho some things that have come to mind are older than others.

I'm back to the basics of why I'm living and it feels good yet almost too simple for my female mind to just accept.
I spent so much time last semester wondering what to do, where to go from here, potential major changes, minors, grad schools, study abroad, internships...oye.

Woah, that's an overload.

On the last day of the University Ministries retreat, God led me to Matthew 28:19-20: The Great Commission.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you to the very end of the age."

God just spoke a reminder of my gifts and passions and that when all of it is combined my niche is in ministry. As much as I love that, it's hard to be okay with it. The practical mind I've been brought up wants to fight it or find creative ways of being "successful" and completely given over to God's work at the same time.

Can't I just surrender?
Yes. We all can.

This is what He said to me:
Sarah, don't forget why you live. I have called you to be mine. Not so that you and I can be the only ones to love each other, but so you can share my love with others and bring them into my arms.
Don't keep it in, share my heart for the world with the world.

He reminded me to trust Him. To make trust a verb.

[It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...]

I'm not so sure that the title to this post will have anything to do with what I actually write. But it's the song that is stuck in my head and the warm sensation that keeps my cheeks rosie in my cold (but cozy) bedroom.

Oh Lord.
There are so many thoughts that are running through my mind these past 24...36 hours or so.
I haven't written any of them down yet--no wonder a conclusion has yet to be found!

As an old songwriter put it:
We need to get back to the basics of life,
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all time...


Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to open every one of those gifts that has my name on it this Christmas. At the same time, I know that they are hardly significant in the long run. I'm not trying to be a scrooge or anything, but I think I'm just tired of all the stuff. Being with my family around the Christmas tree, laughing or talking together, and doing stupid things that you never do in front anyone else is what makes home so beautiful.
It really is a beautiful thing.

And I know that not everyone has experienced what I have been blessed with my whole life.
But why can't they?!
Cuz we live in a broken world.
GGGOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHHHH, if there was some way to express on an internet blog just how much my heart aches & aches & aches for people to know what hope is!

Hope is an adrenaline rush.

Hope is knowing that dreams, even in the deepest part of your heart, can come true.

Sometimes I forget things hoped for.
Now that I am back on familiar territory,
hope is rediscovered.
The adrenaline starts pumping.

I don't think hope is very far off from faith.
God, can this REALLY take place?!
Yes.
REALLY?!?
Yes, Child.
Are you sure? Cuz I'm not...
I promise, stop hesitating. Go quickly and just do what I tell you to do.
I don't want to hesitate.
So don't.
There's so much to learn. So much to know.

Oh to see transformation.
It's hard to hope; hard to trust...
But I am determined to see all this through,
because my hope is in the Lord.

.Frustration, Love, and Loneliness.

It is so easy to find problems yet so difficult to figure out the best way to fix it.

And, although we may fit perfectly with that one person that has been there all the time, we get tangled in the mystery of someone new.

Why is it considered such a bad thing to be alone?


_____________


I feel like I am fighting a battle within my own self.
None of us seem to know what we want!
The moments we do are so temporary.
At the same time, life would be boring if our initial goals were permanent.

In the midst of all this rambling inside my head, God is whispering, Trust me. Let me take you through the twists and turns. The journey is what will turn you into solid gold.

Psh, I mean, of course He's right! I know He's right...there is evidence in my own life; in the history of all civilization for goodness sake!

Ohh the frustrations of life.

I am convinced that love is the most formidable catalyst for human struggle...
Sometimes I simply feel desperate to look that person in the eye and say exactly what I have been storing up in me, but I have only ever experienced the outpour of a fetid can of worms as a result.
Take note: this theory of mine is not restricted to romantic love or feelings.

I have reached a conclusion that wisdom comes in keeping your mouth shut.
Not in a way that everything gets bottled up inside (though that is a risk factor),
but with a motive of praying it through and thinking about the situation realistically before taking any steps.

Oh! But I long for progress! I long for a conclusion, a knowing, for a confirmation of mutual attraction or understanding!!

That will come. In My timing and in My plans, that will come.

Sometimes lonliness can spring from such situations.
I felt it last night.
But I don't get why people must wade in their lonliness until they get lost.
There is great gain once being alone is embraced.
In a lone environment, I finally have opportunity to catch up with my own soul.

Yes, God said, it is not good for man to be alone.
I am not saying to be a loner for life!
But take time to breathe!
It's fun to be with people all the time,
but the addiction is not worth having.
Especially if it is preventing growth or forward motion.


"When we have no project to finish,
no friend to visit, no book to read,
no television to watch or no record to play,
and when we are left all alone by ourselves
we are brought so close to the revelation of
our basic human aloneness and are so
afraid of experiencing an all-pervasive
sense of lonliness that we will do anything
to get busy again and continue the game
which makes us believe that everything is fine after all.
John Lennon says:
"Feel your own pain,"
but how hard that is!"
~Henri Nouwen