Wednesday, June 16, 2010


That's the name I keep calling myself inside.

Or so I think.

It is likely I am hearing that liar's attempt to condemn me.

But I am not condemned.
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

"Flake," has been running through my mind for several months.
So much has changed since December.
I signed up to go on The World Race.
Started raising support.
I'm not going anymore.

I signed up for the Every Nation School of Ministry.
Told everyone. Constantly.
It's even on the my University website.
I pulled out 2 days before the start.

So here I am now, sitting in my lazy-boy, writing a blog.

Why didn't I stick with at least ONE of these things??

I just couldn't.

Not because The World Race wouldn't have been an amazing, adventurous experience.
Not because the School of Ministry wouldn't have given me greater insight.

Only because I never had peace.

It's easy to fabricate confidence,
but you can't devise peace.

A couple blog posts down, I was proud enough to say, "As a matter of fact, I DO know what I'm doing after college!"

Oh, how pride comes before the fall.

That's really all I was after: having a post-college plan. The more exciting and adventurous sounding, the better.
It sounded so sacrificial to live out of a backpack for 11 months to tell 11 countries about Jesus being alive.
I tried to be propitiatory to God and my peers to take ministry training over a summer job or any job for that matter.

But, "obedience is better than sacrifice." (1 Sam. 15:22, NLT)

What IS more pleasing to the LORD? Sacrifice or obedience to His voice?


Obedience, obedience, obedience.

I kept asking the Lord, "What should I do? Where should I go? Whom should I work for?"

"Intimacy..." is His first request.

"Okay," I thought, "that must mean a mission trip... that must mean ministry school."

Silence. (Not peace.)

Not a mission trip. Not ministry school. Just intimacy.

I've been running from the mundane; too insecure to tell people I don't know what is coming next.
Too anxious to trust or wait on the Lord.

Why do we insist on asking each other for 5 year plans?
No one can possibly hold a blueprint of his or her life in their hands.

I know in part what I am made to do, but it cannot begin until I have laid more groundwork of deeper intimacy with God one-on-one. Structured organizations or weekly meetings can't keep feeding me. I'm a big girl now.

None of these things are bad-
some people are called to The World Race, others to ministry school.
Being in church every week is necessary for fellowship's sake.

But it cannot replace the unique love relationship I alone have with the world's Savior.

As He has already prepared good works for me to do, He also has to prepare me to be a good steward of my ministry- whether that is in literal ministry, a career, or my family.

He's so faithful. Faithful enough to chase me down & poke at my spirit until I realize I'm headed the wrong way.
Faithful enough to love and lead me to everything HE hopes and dreams for my life.
A dream that is exceedingly and abundantly more than I have ever asked for or imagined.

Singing this song is so refreshing to my spirit. It is an opportunity to testify and praise the Lord for all He is teaching me:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

~"Always Been Faithful," Sara Groves.

Praise the Lord, O my soul. All that is within me PRAISE His holy name. :)


a girl named heather said...

Loving your transparency :)

inside of me said...

hi...just want to know why you have a pic of Philippine flag on your blog? just curious..since I am a Filipino..thanks! anyway,your blog was so inspiring! i love you for that..may God inspire you more by touching others life! :)

inside of me said...
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