Graciously.

So often I find myself singing Chris McClarney's "Your Love is Everything"



Ah, love it. <3

As you have or will hear, there is this one line that always stops me in my tracks:
"I will not forget, I won't forget Your promises."

Let me just be straight with all you blogosphere folks: I have been seeking after God, the Father of Jesus Christ my Savior for the vast majority of my life. Yet, I am CONSTANTLY forgetting God's promises! It's terrible. But such evidence that I live fully by God's constant grace. This ain't religion, that's for sure... if that were the case, I would've stopped messin' with this stuff a looong time ago!

Anyway, all that said because I'm trying to remind myself of God's promises more & more lately in hopes of strengthening my constant doubting and distrust of God's character.

Romans 8:32 will forever astound me.
"He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

AH! So often I freak out about not having a paycheck, not knowing my life plan, not being like this person or having a relationship with that person or that I should have it all together like everybody expects!
So funny how we put such expectations on each other though we ourselves have not fully attained it and never will.

I put my hope & weight on all the things that are not promising; not faithful; UNcertain. As though they are so valuable compared to what I have already been given!

God. Gave His Son-the BEST THING HE COULD POSSIBLY GIVE!- for me. The God of heaven gave Him up for an unfaithful, selfish, prideful, stubborn, stupid, sinful, forgetful, idolater of a girl!

AAANNNND!

He's ready to throw in my every need on top of it.
WHY?!?!!?!!!?!!!??!
Oh, ya know... just cuz He loves me.
He loves me even though I forget him every day.

He loves me even though I constantly insist on having my own way.

He loves me even when I yell at Him in anger.

He loves me through all my whining.

He loves me even when I blame Him for my problems.

He loves me when I don't actually trust Him to deliver.

He loves me... though I shove these doubts, anger, and distrust in His face on a daily basis.

Now that is love.
That is the love all of our hearts search for.
It's so obvious... Just look at the love songs we write.
Hopeful longings for love to be fulfilled.
Aching wounds from short-lived love.
Always searching; wondering, who will love me for who I am, flaws and all?

Our hearts are calling out to the One who first gave us a heartbeat. We were made to love Him. We were made to be loved by Him.

Graciously, God loves. He has no reason to love us at all, but He loves us graciously to top it all off!

Graciously: showing divine grace- unmerited favor with no price tag, no hidden fees.

Wow. That will astound me the rest of my life & forevermore. Grace.

{Unpacking.}

Time to confess: for roughly the first month home, I lived out of my suitcase.

Seriously, I wouldn't unpack.

Sounds ridiculous, but subconsciously, I denied the idea of staying home for any amount of time that required unpacking. I felt this momentum from college and had no intention of losing air. Little did I recognize that a series of "small" decisions amounted to a rough landing into the place I was determined not to go.

Nothing is actually wrong with home, I love home!
But the comfort of home is what worried me. I would call it fear of laziness.

And maybe, fear of acknowledging the past.

It felt like going backward because I am not the same person that moved out of this place 4 years ago.
But it is not like she has completely disappeared either.

When I finally gave in to emptying my luggage, I also began cleaning house. I sorted through old stuff that stuck around through the years: journal entries, pictures, e-mails, documents, awards, music, childhood jewelry, clothes, and notes passed around through high school.

It reminds me of years that were savored down to the last minute. Years where every day was lived fully. Awkward years. Years I would feel too embarrassed to share with anyone. Is it just me, or is it inevitable to look back and think, "I was SUCH a dork!"

But looking back, while bringing my "new" self home, has been the perfect mixture to preserving who I truly am at this point in time. Some significant parts of me were forgotten while I was away. I was free enough to show some of my cards, but never truly free to show them all. Now that I have had to marinate in home life, I am just praying that I will be free to show all my cards wherever I end up next.

Wherever I end up next...

That's where I feel a bit like an oddball. A lot of people have been asking if I plan to stay here. When I ask myself the same question, the answer is so obvious. To stay here is just not me. It would feel too much like living in the past. While I've watched most of my friends settle here all over again or keep their roots in college town, I am wondering which pond is next in line to hop.

At first I hoped to settle somewhere I already had roots in.
Have some sense of normalcy for a while. Prove that I can handle more responsibilities.
But this force I have had all my life has kept me from really following through with normal.
It has become especially unruly without a school system containing it.
"This force" is hard to describe. Deep down, there is this magnetic pull type feeling towards something extraordinary.

Don't get me wrong, there are extraordinary aspects of doing "normal" things.
Realistically, settling down somewhere isn't exactly the season I am in.
As comforting as that would be, trying to develop something outside its season would be unfruitful.

Vast land sits in front of me. Unbroken ground waiting to be traveled on.
Travel lightly. Leave everything behind. What really needs to be carried is everything inside.
Its lush green pastures invite me to come. walk. see what's beyond the hillside.

I think I will...

Just found this song today... fits right in:

"Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart..."

Over the past week I have been fortunate to witness a couple very significant events. One being the 25th wedding anniversary of Joe & Nancy. The other, the funeral of Mr. Rich.

Both brought me back into the presence of people from my past- the Praise Fellowship crew! I doubt that I can fully relay what it was like to grow up with a place like Praise Fellowship Church (PFC) in my life. But for the time being, let's just say this group is like an extra appendage on my family tree. I have yet to find something quite like it.

It was such an honor to witness these events, though much emotion came along with them. All in all, they both molded my heart into a more grateful one.

At both of these events I watched men and women stand before a microphone to speak about more than anything this world contains. Instead of simply praising the couple for staying together or mourning the loss of a great man, they gave all glory to God & placed Him first even though this was about particular people.

Even though all the focus could have been on them, they could not help but point it all back to Jesus and humbly say, "How Great Thou Art."

I was especially impacted to hear the friends of Joe & Nancy speak. They told stories, but at one point somebody started to prophesy over their lives. In that moment the presence of the Lord seemed to coagulate through the entire room. My eyes widened at the experience of seeing people of my parents' generation still practicing the manifest presence of God in their friendships. I had always been afraid that that sort of charismatic culture would dwindle away from my life after college, but observing that gave me hope. It was a reminder that those things only disappear if I choose not to practice them regularly.

At the wake and memorial service, I reflected back on how I remember Rich as a kid. He was a pretty quiet, yet joyful man. Though I did not know him to the same capacity as others, the impact he had on my life is more tremendous than even I anticipated!

It is amazing what one person's life does for so many others.

I am not sure how else to pull all of this together except by saying: thank you.
To Mary and Rich, Joe and Nancy, Cindy and Gary, Kim and Denny, Don and Ginny, Kelly, Tim, Sarah, Angela, and all the rest of my Praise Fellowship family:

Thank you for choosing the Lord Jesus Christ first.
For raising your children to love and serve Him first.
For treating your spiritual family like they truly are family.
And for just showing up and being present in my life.

Being raised in an environment where I was surrounded by people, of course including my parents, who seek to be like Christ really set the foundation for my life.
We didn't even need to be inside the church for God's presence to be relayed through your character.

I am so all-around healthy today because great people trained me up and walked me through my childhood. And I will never, ever, part from it.

I love you all so very, very much.
Thank you.


To anyone else reading this, all I can say is: live for Jesus. It's the only thing that makes a real difference.

The Reality of a Dreamer.

So I have been thinking about how I need to write a current day response to my last blog ever since... well, since I posted it!

Trying to wrap my head around how I think now has certainly revealed just how much life has changed me.
One could say my feet have left the ledge while simultaneously staying planted on solid ground.

It is not like I can pretend to have decades upon decades under my belt, but here is what I have found.

I answer the question, "What's your biggest dream?" in a very different way than I did 5 years ago.

Or maybe it is just that I answer this question with less loftiness and more sincerity. Hmm...

What has stayed the same?
My desire to impact the world- the entire world.
The call to ministry- to make Jesus Christ known through everything I am, say, and do.

I used to want to approach this through more direct means: singing, working in a church, etc. But as I shyly attempt to squirm my way into adulthood, I keep asking God for wisdom.
(How else could I survive this transition?)

Naturally, the Lord has delivered... cuz He always lives up to His promises! (James 1:5)
And of course, He goes straight for the things I always thought had nothing to do with me!
(Does that happen to you? I think God gets a kick out of it!)

For the longest time, I expected impacting the world for Jesus would mean traveling non-stop. There is no way I could consider meeting someone or starting a family anytime soon! HELLOOOO!

I am tryiiing to change the world here, people!!

2 things I have always put on a pedestal:
-World travel.
-Being a career woman.

But the World Race attempt, college graduation, and unemployment have all been tools God has used to sit me down.
And to stay.
Real still.
Then, when anxiety overcomes me it's like He picks me up and shakes it out of me- just what I need.
(Yeah, God & I have a really funny/strange relationship, it's great lol)

"Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud," (thank you, Cummings):

You ready for it?

If we want to make a TREMENDOUS impact on this world...
...it has to start in the home.

There is nothing more set apart, more impactful, more rich, than a family that:
-loves the Lord deeply.
-love each other deeply as a result.
-raise children with higher standards even if it seems uncool.
-remain faithful to one another.
-can love on their friends and community because of their unity.

THAT is something the world rarely sees. It is truly a diamond in the rough.



A natural response to this would be, "Good for you, Sarah, but in case you forgot: you're single! And when you're waiting on the Lord, you can't really do much about that!"

I object.

I think the biggest lie single people (men AND women) believe is that we have not yet arrived until we have found someone.
OR,
That our high impact, adventurous lives end once we have said, "I do."


Proverbs 31 describes a wife of noble character. Verse 12 says, "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
ALL the days of her life.
Not, after she marries him. Nor is it once they have started dating.

It is every day. All my life. Before God presents me with a bow on top and after.
There is PLENTY for me to do right now!
And it's gonna make the rest of my life a heck of a lot easier than if I cram it into post-marriage season.

I am not trading in my dreams of travel, music, and a career for this. It is just that the Lord has helped me configure things into their rightful place. Some things do not matter to me as much any more, while others have found a more balanced place on my priority list.

And it is not that I seek these things because of some distant vision I have of the man of my dreams.
It is for the First Love of my life - My Maker, My Husband (Is. 54:5).
He will still be first even when I find an earthly husband -then I can make 'em both happy! ;D


She seeks wisdom. She walks fearlessly. She is an investor & wise with her money. Trustworthy, joyful, and diligent. She is creative and virtuous.

All of these are things any woman- young or old- can do in any season of her life.

To be this kind of woman...
... that would be my biggest dream.

Woww...

Upon returning to my parents' house for "post-graduation transition time," I've been cleaning up my bedroom & came across an old narrative from high school composition class. This narrative is about 5 years old, but it is absolutely crazy to read back and see certain consistencies regarding my purpose. If you've somewhat kept up with my blogs, you'll see what I mean.

It's pretty funny to notice my juvenility in this, but I suppose I can accept it. lol

Here goes:


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It was a perfect night in March. School was manageable, life was social; everything seemed pretty relaxed after a grueling school year and I was soaking up a fun night.

I had just arrived to a bonfire after spending the evening at a luau when I saw Ben peering hard through the darkness. I hardly recognized him at first, but after he waved I went to meet him. I had previously invited him to come after the luau finished up and was slightly surprised that he actually came (he really didn't know many people).

The night was cold, yet everyone's spirit of happiness kept each other warm. A few of us marched down the dark path of the forest in search of nothing in particular except to enjoy each others' company. The ground began to crunch under our feet as we stepped upon the glowing white gravel. But, our journey fell apart fast and we headed back up to join everyone else at the fire. Our group quickly scattered leaving Ben and I at a quiet spot in the outskirts of the bonfire.

The simpler conversations from that night have long drifted from my memory. We asked each other many random questions, but there was only one that dug itself deep into my mind... it might have even seeped down to my heart.

"What's your biggest dream?" Ben asked me as he gazed up at the radiating clouds in the moonlight.

Unprepared to answer this question, my mouth stammered a few "uhs" and "ums" as my brain ran through the files to find my folder full of dreams. I hastily chose the dream in my mind that I had had almost my whole life.

"I want to be a Christian recording artist like Darlene Zscech because she's so real about her faith and doesn't change who she is for the media." I asked him the same question and soon after came the response that rekindled an old flame deep within my heart of hearts.

"I want to build a church in Colorado and have a summer camp there. I'm not really into the whole media thing so there wouldn't be TVs or anything. We'd live there with other couples and just live life more simply."

His usage of "we" rapidly jumped out to my attention. My mind started churning up questions to ask him for more clarity since "we" were simply friends, but I quickly shoved them away -- there were more important things on my mind.

As the rest of the night rolled on, the crisp, cold air began to pierce my coat. And yet the thoughts went reeling through my brain; relentlessly pressing on towards a resolved conclusion. There's no other dialogue I remember from that night except saying good-bye to everyone as we left for home.

Heading straight to my room, I plunged into my dresser drawers pulling out clothes and plopping them on my bed. Immediately after, I pulled open my closet and yanked the light bulb to life. The feeling in my heart was unbelievable! It was like my heart had sprouted wings and began to flutter through the air expressing its freedom from an anchor of selfishness. Finally, it hit me. My heart was at last convicted of this addiction I had been stuck on for so long.

I began disbursing my clothes, easily pulling out the items I knew I didn't need. The thought of someone in great need wearing these unnecessary clothes of mine overrode thoughts of selfishness battling inside my conscience. I was finally, honestly ready to try and live a simpler life.

After dumping my extra clothes into a laundry basket, I shut the door and bounced into my bed. I pulled out a sheet of paper and began doodling out the words in a bold title,
"What's your biggest dream?"
Unsorted questions and feelings zoomed through my head like cars speeding through the highway. My prayers spat out of my mouth for clarity and wisdom; when the last word came, my insides began to take in a deep breath.

The words streamed out of my pen as my paper came in contact with the ink. The wonderment in my mind was answered by the words on my paper. I dug deep into my heart, trying to figure out my heart's desire and what had changed since I had put material possessions in front of the things my Designer created me to treasure. I came to realize that having a recording contract isn't what I long for.

I don't need lights and I don't need fame.

I want to help people change for Good. I need to see the love of Christ enter others' hearts and soak into their lives as it has in mine. It's like I had been spending over fifteen hours a week at church investing in peoples' lives without even recognizing that I feed off of seeing the effects. Not my effects, of course, but of the One who uses my life for others. The one word to sum it all up finally smacked into the windshield of my brain.

Ministry.

"THAT'S IT!" My heart was screaming at my brain by this point and it finally seemed to get the message. That's it. All I want to do is see the glimmer in someone's eyes after continuously searching for something stable in their life. A job that doesn't seem too rewarding in annual salaries, but reaps so much more than man could ever sow.

How glorious it was to discover my purpose and know what to strive for in my life. This experience has turned all my natural thoughts around one hundred and eighty degrees. All in one night; because of one question:

"What is your biggest dream?"

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Hahaa :) So there it is. Stay tuned for part 2... a present day response?

FLAKE.

That's the name I keep calling myself inside.

Or so I think.

It is likely I am hearing that liar's attempt to condemn me.

But I am not condemned.
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

"Flake," has been running through my mind for several months.
So much has changed since December.
I signed up to go on The World Race.
Started raising support.
I'm not going anymore.

I signed up for the Every Nation School of Ministry.
Told everyone. Constantly.
It's even on the my University website.
I pulled out 2 days before the start.

So here I am now, sitting in my lazy-boy, writing a blog.

Why?
Why didn't I stick with at least ONE of these things??

I just couldn't.

Not because The World Race wouldn't have been an amazing, adventurous experience.
Not because the School of Ministry wouldn't have given me greater insight.

Only because I never had peace.

It's easy to fabricate confidence,
but you can't devise peace.

A couple blog posts down, I was proud enough to say, "As a matter of fact, I DO know what I'm doing after college!"

Oh, how pride comes before the fall.

That's really all I was after: having a post-college plan. The more exciting and adventurous sounding, the better.
It sounded so sacrificial to live out of a backpack for 11 months to tell 11 countries about Jesus being alive.
I tried to be propitiatory to God and my peers to take ministry training over a summer job or any job for that matter.

But, "obedience is better than sacrifice." (1 Sam. 15:22, NLT)

What IS more pleasing to the LORD? Sacrifice or obedience to His voice?

Obedience.

Obedience, obedience, obedience.

I kept asking the Lord, "What should I do? Where should I go? Whom should I work for?"

"Intimacy..." is His first request.

"Okay," I thought, "that must mean a mission trip... that must mean ministry school."

Silence. (Not peace.)

Not a mission trip. Not ministry school. Just intimacy.

I've been running from the mundane; too insecure to tell people I don't know what is coming next.
Too anxious to trust or wait on the Lord.

Why do we insist on asking each other for 5 year plans?
No one can possibly hold a blueprint of his or her life in their hands.

I know in part what I am made to do, but it cannot begin until I have laid more groundwork of deeper intimacy with God one-on-one. Structured organizations or weekly meetings can't keep feeding me. I'm a big girl now.

None of these things are bad-
some people are called to The World Race, others to ministry school.
Being in church every week is necessary for fellowship's sake.

But it cannot replace the unique love relationship I alone have with the world's Savior.

As He has already prepared good works for me to do, He also has to prepare me to be a good steward of my ministry- whether that is in literal ministry, a career, or my family.

He's so faithful. Faithful enough to chase me down & poke at my spirit until I realize I'm headed the wrong way.
Faithful enough to love and lead me to everything HE hopes and dreams for my life.
A dream that is exceedingly and abundantly more than I have ever asked for or imagined.


Singing this song is so refreshing to my spirit. It is an opportunity to testify and praise the Lord for all He is teaching me:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

~"Always Been Faithful," Sara Groves.


Praise the Lord, O my soul. All that is within me PRAISE His holy name. :)